Penguin 2.0: The Real Dirt Google Doesn’t Want You To Know

By on May 10, 2013
hippo update

Twitter and the SEO forums have been abuzz the last few days with the impending apocalypse known as Penguin 2.0. Matt Cutts has been almost giddy with how brutal this one is going to be, I found myself wondering if he was wearing adult diapers to handle any embarrassing accidents caused by anticipation of the coming onslaught.

Never ones to take it lying down, we reached out to every one we knew with connections at Google past and present to see if we could dig some dirt on the situation and get a head start on the next series of SERP ass poundings Google has lined up for us. In times like these, a few days head start can be the difference between eating Ramen noodles (uncooked) or Craft Steakhouse (Kobe Short Skirt and the Porterhouse are personal faves) so we left no (grind)stone unturned in our efforts to unearth what’s coming for us. For days, we found nothing. Battered, with dashed hopes and a feeling of impending doom weighing us down, we considered quitting and just waiting for it to hit us broadsite, no matter how shitty that situation may turn out to be.

And then, like manna from heaven, our efforts to reach Mr. XYX (those are his chromosones, don’t ask, it’s a touchy subject), a former Google employee who left in a huff when they closed down his favorite cafeteria in Mountain View after the Google China debacle forced them to cut costs closer to home, paid off. And how.

The following conversation has been changed to protect the insolent:

Grind: Thanks, for reaching back out, this is very important to us and our readers.
Mr XYX: mumble mumble mumble neckbeard mumble mumble

Grind: Sorry mate, could you speak up a bit, didnt’ catch that.
Mr XYX: I said, do you have any short ribs…I really like short ribs. Did I mention they used to serve shortribs on the Mountain View Campus?

Grind: You did mention that, three times actually and unfortunately, you’re in Oakland and I’m in Idaho, so no, I don’t have any short ribs. And if I did, I couldn’t get them to you.
Mr XYX: What about some delivery? I’d feel a lot more comfortable telling you this with some shortribs.

Grind: Fine, what’s your address? And where do you want me order them from?
Mr XYX: I’m not comfortable telling you that information.

Grind: For fucks sake man, how am I supposed to get you these shortribs so we can get on with this?
Mr XYX: Bitcoins?

Grind: Oh fuck right off…what’s your paypal already?
Mr XYX: <redacted>

Grind: Sent. Order up dem ribs and let’s get back to business, people are waiting on this.
Mr XYX: OK, but you can’t tell anyone where you got this info from.

Grind: Deal.
Mr XYX: First off, it’s not actually Penguin 2.0.

Grind: Really? Is it going to be Zebra 1.0 then?
Mr XYX: Nope. It’s a complete shift away from black and white themed animals. The first in a whole new horizon of algo updates.

Grind: Fascinating, so what’s it really called?
Mr XYX: Hippo 1.0

Grind: Hippo. That’s interesting. And to be honest, a bit refreshing.
Mr XYX: You think that now, just wait.

Grind: Wait for what?
Mr XYX: Hippo really is the shit. Matt isn’t psyching everyone out on this one. Hippo is a game changer.

Grind: Does it take out hacked links? Russian and chinese blog networks? Devalues anchor text even more? Details my good man, details…
Mr XYX: I have a video.

Grind: You do not.
Mr XYX: I do. It shows exactly how Hippo will change the SERPS for good.

Grind: Can you share it? Myself and thousands of enterprising SEOs would love to see it before it hits us in the face.
Mr XYX: Yeah, you can say that again. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, it’s going to be a shitty experience for all SEOs, not just you black hats.

Grind: Speechless. No wonder Matt is so excited. Total game changer. I’m going to apply at McDonalds now and beat the rush.
Mr XYX: Can you order me another batch of ribs and some kung pow chicken before you leave?

About Grindstone

Just a guy who loves SEO and making money on the intertubez. Low tolerance for stupidity and self-righteous assholes. Thinks he's funnier than he is, just ask his wife. Wrote this stupid blurb in third person because it's annoyingly amusing to him. Might help you rank your projects if the numbers are right, but probably not.

10 Comments

  1. Golan

    May 10, 2013 at 10:27 pm

    This is crazy shit.

    I’m glad you are back with more priceless SEO wisdom for us.

    • Grindstone

      May 11, 2013 at 5:50 am

      inb4 BST’s selling Toilet Paper links…

  2. Manny

    May 11, 2013 at 12:48 am

    I didn’t expected anything else from this post :)) Have a great week-end 😀

  3. Jared

    May 11, 2013 at 9:26 pm

    That’s some more hippo’cracy from the ‘wipe’-the-serps-clean team. They engage in as much Spray and Pray as we do!

  4. King Jhoffrey

    May 13, 2013 at 6:46 am

    This is almost as funny as the VPS recommendation you gave me. I was able to find out some more relevant information related to Penguin 2.0 on WF Private SEO – http://www.wfprivateseo.com.

    • Grindstone

      May 13, 2013 at 11:49 am

      Came for the dickroll, stayed for the dickroll.

      • King Jhoffrey

        May 14, 2013 at 7:32 am

        FIXED

        • Grindstone

          May 14, 2013 at 8:58 am

          NUETERED

  5. jeff

    May 13, 2013 at 1:52 pm

    Interesting, you’re on acid again.

    • Grindstone

      May 14, 2013 at 7:28 am

      Lies.

      It was mescaline.